Teaching Free Will
by Shoumai
Summary: Shinji doesn't know what he wants anymore. Kaworu wants to help him figure it out.


A/N: I've been trying to work on a couple of things for these two for awhile and finally got one finished ^_^. This is probably the most heated in any of my fics have ever gotten and I think it's pretty okay for what it is.

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

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'What do you want' should not be a complex question. But it is when someone has been given so little autonomy over their life that they abandoned the idea of wanting years ago to make it easier on themselves.

It's the sort of question other people get asked. People who can function well in society, people who matter. While people like Shinji convince themselves that they don't want anything so there would be no point in asking them anyway.

In fact, the first time Kaworu asked him that question Shinji almost thought it was some kind of a joke. Kaworu isn't cruel and he had never poked fun at Shinji's expense before, but what other explanation was there for something like this? It was only the absolutely solemn way that Kaworu had looked at him that stopped Shinji from being upset.

"What do you mean?" Shinji asked helplessly from his place sitting on his own bed. No one had asked him that before, not really. The pretense had been made once or twice but no one who said it wanted the truth. It was just the adult pretense of saying things you didn't mean and didn't care about the answers to. But Kaworu was different. Kaworu was always telling Shinji things that no one else had said to him before. Always honest and sincere in his words and interests.

Kaworu's expression didn't change the slightest bit at Shinji's stunned response. "Just what I said. You pilot Eva because that's what others want you to do. You go to school, to sync tests, and live here because someone else wants you to do those things. But what do you want?" The pale teen closed the book on Shinji's desk gently. It was full of homework that had been draining and thankless but completed all the same.

Shinji gripped his pant leg as he studied Kaworu's face, trying to figure out just what kind of answer he was expecting Shinji to give. But it didn't work like that with Kaworu. There was no right or wrong answer, there was only Shinji's answer. "I don't want anything." Shinji replied, because he didn't. He was tired and empty and wanting took more energy than he had even at the best of times.

Kaworu frowned slightly as he walked over from the desk. "I think you do. But no one has allowed you to want for so long that you've forgotten how." He looked into Shinji's eyes deeply, his own red ones as gentle as they were serious. "You don't need the permission of others in order to have desires."

Shinji opened his mouth, ready to refuse the words reflexively but no sound came out. His fingers curled into his palm like he could gather up the words for the thing he was trying to express. "It doesn't matter." Red eyes continued to look unblinking as Shinji spoke. No judgement or pressure, just silently listening. "Whether I want anything or not doesn't matter. Nothing would change and I wouldn't get it, so..." Shinji swallowed against the tense frustration building in his chest.

"So in order to avoid the pain of struggling you've given up and accepted what you believe to be the foregone conclusion." Kaworu finished for him as a look of understanding took over his features.

Shinji nodded even though it wasn't a question. Kaworu always expressed Shinji's thoughts better than Shinji himself ever could. "At this point I don't know what I would want anymore anyway."

Kaworu smiled , but it looked sad on him somehow. "Yours really is a precious and fragile existence." He reached out to cup the back of Shinji's neck with a warm hand, fingers pressing gently onto the tense muscles there.

Goosebumps flared on Shinji's skin as his body shivered, then relaxed. "Kaworu?" He asked, not grasping the other's line of thought. Then again, when it came to Kaworu's affections he rarely did.

"It's okay not to know what you want." Kaworu's ivory fingers moved higher to play with Shinji's hair. "I'll help you find it."

At first Shinji had wondered what Kaworu had meant by that. Wanting was an intangible thing, not some 100 yen coin that had slipped out of his pocket only to be lost between the couch cushions.

It turned out to be subtle, small things at first. Things like letting Shinji choose between two flavors of soda or asking him what his favorite parts of the lunch he had made were. Kaworu had also taken to leaving the radio in his apartment where Shinji could easily set the station when he visited.

Slowly, there were bigger things. After school they had always gone to either Shinji or Kaworu's apartment but on Saturdays they implemented a change.

When they got to the station, Kaworu would pick a train for them to board. It was usually whichever one was the least crowded. They'd get on, pressed close and holding hands, letting the stops pass them by until Shinji chose one to get off at. They'd leave the station and wander around, going over to whatever sparked their interest.

When it had started, Kaworu had chosen most of the places they visited and Shinji had only really spoken up when he was ready to go home. He was happy enough to do anything together and even though he knew that wasn't the point, Kaworu had never pushed him for more.

Today; however, Kaworu followed a half step behind Shinji sedately. Their fingers were still linked together because the brunet had refused to let go of the other's hand when they had exited the train.

Shinji's blue eyes roamed over every building they walked past. He was searching intently, waiting for what he wanted to jump out at him when he came across it. Once street gave way to another, every one glanced over and dismissed by the boy - he would know it when he saw it.

Eventually Shinji's feet led them to the boardwalk. "Let's go here today." Something about it felt good, satisfying.

Kaworu, as always, smiled at the decision. "A wonderful choice. The peace of the ocean is a perfect compliment to a weekend afternoon."

Shinji found it in himself to smile a little at that, certain that Kaworu would have said much the same thing no matter what he had chosen and liking the implication that he could make good decisions.

Kaworu was still somehow paler than the white sand they walked over as they neared where the waves met the shore.

They stayed just out of reach of the salty waters, Shinji had no desire to argue with the tide and wet clothes on top of having sand in his shoes. The waves were soothing. The sound of them was welcome background music in between bits of shared conversation.

"It's a mysterious thing." Kaworu began thoughtfully as he stared out at the waves. "The way the sea is associated with playing in the summer but also calls out to the loneliness of mankind. Perhaps it says something about lilin that they would choose to create happiness in a place that both speaks to and soothes their collective melancholy."

Shinji was listening but he couldn't quite respond. There was something about watching Kaworu speak just then, a pull, an ache in Shinji's chest that he couldn't quite name but almost felt familiar. Somewhere between the warmth of the angel's hand and the crash of the waves on the shore Shinji finally put a name to it; longing.

Kaworu was still talking, his pale lips moving as he vocalized thoughts and observations but all Shinji could hear was the question 'what do you' want looping over and over in that sweet voice and it was enough to make him dizzy.

Shinji reached up with his free hand, his blood was buzzing with anticipation but he was still calm. He touched Kaworu's cheek and the pale boy stopped talking, allowing Shinji to turn his hand to face him. His silver hair was soft, and Shinji sank his fingers into it as he leaned forward.

Kaworu's lips were warm, velvet, and parted easily under Shinji's own. If he was surprised he didn't show it, bringing a hand to Shinji's waist and responding to the movement of his mouth in kind.

Kissing Kaworu was a wonderful feeling, the slide of their lips contrasted by the way they held each other. The ache in Shinji's chest had a strange sweetness to it now, a feeling like 'like' and 'more', growing into a sensation more intense than simple longing.

They parted with a dreamy sort of sigh that resonated so deeply that Shinji wasn't sure which one of them it came from.

Kaworu was flushed and breathing deeply. His eyes were bright and inviting, watching Shinji affectionately.

When Kaworu didn't move first Shinji leaned back in to kiss his neck, knowing with absolute certainty that he was welcome to. He felt surreal, but also more himself than he had ever been. He mouthed love confessions against the ivory skin against his lips and felt the angel shudder under his hands. "Let's go." He whispered into the shell of an ear before kissing it.

...

Kaworu's apartment was NERV standard issue and relatively plain. It contained the essentials and Kaworu's modest collection of books and CDs.

But right now the apartment was hardly the focus of Shinji's attention. He was far more preoccupied with the feeling of bed sheets under his bare back and the all-around scent of clean laundry slowly being replaced by musk and sweat.

Even disheveled Kaworu was just as beautiful as always. The flush on his snow-white skin had traveled down his cheeks to his chest. Shinji had thought, more than once, that Kaworu looked like one of the marble statues from his history book but now there was no denying that Kaworu was a warm-blooded, living thing and he was even more lovely for it.

Kaworu bent to kiss Shinji's bare thigh, then his stomach.

The warm breath and stray hairs tickled at sensitive skin and Shinji squirmed against the bed sheets. Kaworu's lips were no longer just warm but hot, like being loved by a flame and Shinji was freezing. No; not freezing, Shinji realized, he was so hot he was cold. And he was desperate for more of it.

When he dragged Kaworu up the length of his body, Shinji was immediately met with another kiss. He ran his hands down the alabaster back and opened his legs wider without a thought. They fit together perfectly, like Kaworu's body was just another part of Shinji's own. A missing half that he hadn't been told about but didn't think he could live without now that he finally had it.

"Shinji, Shinji," Kaworu said reverently between kisses. He brushed the dark hair back from the Third Child's brow and looked into his eyes loving and serious. "Do you want this?"

Shinji almost laughed, would have if his lungs could have produced anything other than a needy whine. Surely Kaworu had to know the answer already. They were so close their thoughts were bleeding into each other through their skin, Shinji could very nearly taste Kaworu's soul in his mouth and he was asking Shinji to _say_ that this was what he wanted? It seemed so inane, now of all times.

But Kaworu was still waiting even as he cradled Shinji in his arms. Their bodies were tangled together into one being, all gangling limbs and loving hands and he gazed into Shinji with eyes like embers. He was waiting to hear something before he went any further. He would give Shinji anything he wanted but Kaworu would not take.

Shinji thought he could see it in the weight of red eyes, he could feel it in those tender hands. So he swallowed, tried to clear enough of the burning need from his head to speak. He smiled and let his voice come out as breathless and desperate as it was sweet. "_Yes_."


End file.
